Rev. Jared Buss
Pittsburgh New Church; July 20, 2025
Readings: Luke 22:54-62 (children’s talk); John 3:1-8; True Christian Religion §533.3
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The question we’re considering today is “should we pretend to be someone we’re not?” Another way to get at the same idea is to ask, “are we supposed to just be ourselves, or are we supposed to change ourselves?”
On the one hand we have the story of Peter denying that he was who he was. It wasn’t a good thing. When he realized what he’d done, he went out and “wept bitterly” (Luke 22:62). It’s such a good story for illustrating that sometimes we have to just be who we are, though other people might not like it. Or rather, sometimes we have to just stand for the things we say we stand for, though people might not like it. We can’t be who we want to be by pretending to be someone else. It seems so obvious: of course we shouldn’t pretend to be someone we’re not!
But if we come at the question from a different direction, that obvious answer might not seem so obvious anymore. Isn’t religion all about changing who we are? What if who we are isn’t who we want to be, or isn’t who we think we should be? Do we become the person we want to be by pretending to be that person? We say all the time that we should “just be ourselves;” but don’t we come to church to learn how to be better people, and isn’t that different from being ourselves?
That was a lot of confusing questions. There actually is a clear path through all of these ideas; there is a right answer. But it’s fair to say that people get tangled up and confused by these sorts of thoughts. “I know I’m supposed to change; but it also feels dishonest to not be who I am.” Let’s look at what the Lord says.
He doesn’t say that we need to become better people—He doesn’t use those words. What He does say is that we need to be born again. Our next reading for today is the story in which He presents this idea. We read from the Gospel of John: [3:1-8].
The Lord says that we need to be born again. That is, if we want to see the kingdom of God, we need to be born again (John 3:3; see SH §8548; NJHD §173). That sounds like a pretty total transformation. He goes on to say that, “what is born of the flesh is flesh, and what is born of the Spirit is spirit” (v. 6). In other words, the first birth, the one that we’ve already experienced, was the birth of our bodies, and it was completely different from the birth that we have yet to experience—the birth of the spirit. We were born fleshy or corporeal beings, and we need to be changed into spiritual beings. Again, that sounds like a total transformation.
This idea of being born again, or made new, is echoed in lots of different places in the Word. For example, in our recitation from Ezekiel the Lord says, “I will give you a new heart, and put a new spirit within you” (36:26). If our heart is made new, then we aren’t really the person that we used to be. And if we turn to the Heavenly Doctrine of the New Church we find a lot of teachings that seem to be about the need for us to change ourselves. Our next reading is an example of such a teaching. This passage is from the chapter on repentance in the book True Christian Religion. This chapter has been explaining that when we repent we need to examine the intentions of our will—we need to look at what we want, or at our hearts—and repent of the evil that we find there, because our will is who we really are. We read: [§533.3].
So we’re supposed to examine our hearts, find the things that we want that are evil, and banish those things. Then, when we do that, the Lord will lift us up from the things that we were born with. He’ll give us a new will. In short, He’ll reform and regenerate “the whole person.” When we look at teachings like these, it sure seems that the Lord wants us to completely change ourselves—and that sure seems to be at odds with the idea that we should “just be ourselves.”
But being ourselves doesn’t have to be so bad—it depends on what you mean by that. One thing that these teachings definitely don’t support is using phrases like “it’s just the way I am” as excuses for our behavior. This is something that people do, not that uncommonly. It seems like this sort of excuse is mostly used for little foibles: “I’m an impulse shopper—it’s just the way I am.” But sometimes this line gets used to justify seriously problematic behavior. And of course people also use the inverse of this argument: “that’s just not who I am.” “I’m just not the kind of person who goes to church.” It’s an argument that can feel powerful, because we know that we don’t get to tell other people who they are—they get to decide that for themselves. Fair enough. But it’s also simply untrue that people cannot change their behavior. It isn’t too much of a stretch to say that the whole point of this book [the Word] is that we can grow and change and become spiritual. So sure, that’s just the way you are today. Who are you going to be tomorrow? Sure, the change might be hard. The work that’s involved in changing ourselves should be honored. But we can do it. The Lord, in His mercy, gives us that power. “It’s just the way I am” doesn’t cut it as an excuse for poor behavior.
But here’s the thing: changing ourselves and being who we are don’t have to be mutually exclusive. A simple way to put it is that there are many different versions of ourselves that we can be. When we repent, when we examine ourselves and banish the evil that we find, we are changing ourselves, but the change is that we’re becoming better versions of ourselves. We aren’t becoming someone else. We certainly aren’t pretending to be someone that we’re not. The bottom line is that who we are can change. When we choose to become a better version of ourselves, we’re growing spiritually and being who we really are at the same time. The simple idea that cuts through all that confusion is that we’re meant to be the best version of ourselves.
There’s a bit more to say about the idea that we should pretend to be someone we’re not. On the whole, this is an untrue and unhelpful idea. We might try to become a copy of someone that we admire or look up to… but we can’t be those people. People also pretend to be someone they’re not so that they can fit in with a crowd and persuade people to like them. The problem with that is that we know we’re pretending. So we might feel guilty, because we know we’re not being honest about who we are or what we value. And the connections that we’re forging might feel tainted, because we fear that the people we’re connecting with wouldn’t like us if they knew who we actually were. Again, think of Peter pretending that he wasn’t the Lord’s disciple: he didn’t feel good about it. Pretending to be someone we’re not is highly unlikely to make us happy in the long run.
And all that said, forcing ourselves to do the right thing when we really don’t want to sometimes feels like pretending. Forcing yourself to speak courteously to someone you’re angry with might feel fake, but it’s still the right thing to do. People say “fake it till you make it,” and there’s value in that idea. If doing the right thing feels like pretending… well, keep pretending for a while, and see what happens. But on the whole, “pretending” is an unhelpful word, because it suggests that we’re putting something on on the outside, rather than taking it to heart. We shouldn’t pretend to be the people that we want to be: we should become the people that we want to be.
Let’s go back to the idea that we should be ourselves. If we use it as an excuse for bad behavior, or as a justification for never growing, then it’s a problem. But if we hold it a little differently, then it’s a useful idea—because it’s true that there’s no one we can be besides ourselves. “Being ourselves” can suggest contentment: contentment with the way we were made and the things we’ve been given. And contentment is a blessed thing. The teachings of the New Church say that those who trust in the Divine are “content with their lot” (SH §8478.3). Being willing to “just be ourselves” overlaps a lot with making our peace with all of the things that aren’t ours to control. It isn’t our place to decide that we should have been born as somebody else or that we should have been given a different life. We are what we are, we have what we have; and one way or another the Lord is with us. In Luke He says, “Are not five sparrows sold for two copper coins? And not one of them is forgotten before God. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows” (12:6, 7). He doesn’t say that we would be of more value than many sparrows if we would just get rid of all those obnoxious habits. He knew what He was doing when He made us, and He gave gifts to each of us—maybe not the same gifts that He gave to other people, but gifts nonetheless. Those gifts give us value. It’s true that it’s on us to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be, so that we don’t squander that God-given potential. It’s also good to simply remember that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14).
A related idea, from the teachings of the New Church, is that we’re each being prepared for our own place in the spiritual world. We’re told that heaven and hell each exist in a form that functions as a unit, and that “no one can be allotted any place in that form but his own” (DP §203). Whether we end up in heaven or in hell, our place—our home—will be our own and no one else’s. Our place in the spiritual world is determined by our ruling love, and no one else’s ruling love can ever be exactly like our own. Of course, the Lord created us for heaven, and He’s constantly leading us to our own place in heaven (DP §§27, 67, 68, 323)—and this suggests that He has a job for each of us in His kingdom that no one else can do. So maybe instead of trying to be ourselves, or a better version of ourselves, we should be trying to be the angel that the Lord made each of us to be—knowing that no one else can be that angel.
The last idea we’ll consider today is the statement in the book of Genesis that when the Lord made the first man and the first woman and brought them together, “they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (2:25). The teachings of the New Church say that the nakedness of which they were not ashamed symbolizes innocence (SH §165)—the innocence that the Lord gave us at the beginning, and that He hopes we will return to. Being naked and unashamed suggests having nothing to hide. Evil, by its very nature, doesn’t want to be seen for what it is; it wants to cover itself up. The Lord’s hope is that we will grow and change until we reach a point where we’re willing to be seen for exactly who we are, because we know that we have nothing to be ashamed of—because we’re content with what we are. That’s the best version of “just being ourselves.”
Amen.